real events: not my best moment(s)
i totally cursed a police officer a couple Sundays ago. he ticketed me for yielding too tardily at one of those ridiculous “left turn ok on yellow but yield when it’s flashing yellow” confusing traffic lights that just end up creating a big ol’ tangled web of “let’s try and nab as many drivers as possible and make them pay ridiculously high traffic tickets so our courts don’t go further into deficit.”
i argued with Officer B, asked for mercy, defended my status as a good driver (which was kind of a fib. i have a…complicated driving record, but was working on rehabilitating my deviant ways, so imagine what a blow this was to my self-esteem and ego. sigh). none of my groveling or rhetoric worked.
Officer B was determined to give me a ticket. and as he sauntered off, i cursed the daylights out of him (if i’d had eggs i would’ve thrown them at him), and all the while i argued with Jesus about how much Officer B sucked. i was pretty thumping shameless in my pure violent anger, my dead flat rage. it went something like this:
me: “i hope you profanity DIE! i curse you to profanity die TODAY you profanity profanity profanity wee little man!”
Jesus: “sweetheart do you really want to speak that kind of–”
me: “Yes! and don’t talk to me right now!” (yep, i even put my hand up, essentially telling Jesus to speak to the hand)
me: “no! i don’t want to hear it! i want him to dieee!”
a few hours later…
me: “i’m sorry Jesus, i don’t know what came over me. i don’t want him to die. i break off that ridiculous curse and bless Officer B with health, hair, success, joy and a very long life with his family. and i’m sorry i told you to shut up.”
Jesus: “it’s ok. i forgave you.”
me: “really? but that was pretty bad. i cursed him to DIE, and i meant it. man. i thought i was over this anger-rage-murder thing.”
Jesus: “yes, it was pretty bad. but, you’re forgiven. don’t dwell on it.”
so, of course, i did the only logical thing and didn’t listen to Jesus and continued to continuously nonstop dwell on the fact that i almost murdered a police officer and told Jesus to shut up. a whole bunch of really weird thoughts then started to hit me:
you just can’t keep hooking up with anger. you’re an idolatrous jezebel.
you will never learn self -control, what a harlot
you can never be a good leader, mentor, example–look at you, still clinging to your anger issues/idols!
you’re going backwards, getting a ticket in your brand new car, you haven’t progressed at all, you don’t deserve a new car, you don’t deserve anything! you even told Jesus to shut up! he’s totally gonna leave you~you don’t deserve him.
talks about crazy.
but instead of spewing a STEU, I bathed in the swampy mushy Bog of Self-Pity and Emo.
for the next few days i had very one-sided monologic conversations like this:
me: “Man, i totally suck. My life feels like a never-ending plateau…sometimes it seems like it’s going higher…but no. truth is, i’ll never be more than this.”
me: “And man what use are those dreams when all they do is make me realize how far i am from my goals. what’s effin wrong with me?!?! I’ll never be great.”
Jesus: “Truth is–”
me: “Man, there are so many things wrong in my life right now. So many.”
Jesus: patient “Alright then.”
i’m not sure how many days passed like this in the grey haze of my egocentric pity party. i was totally that girl. yes, that one–the one who melodramatically (complete with teary fireworks and histrionics) sobs to her boyfriend, “why are you with me? you deserve someone so much better.” “i’m no good for you. you should break up with me.” “you’re so great, why are you with me? you should leave me.” “no, i don’t deserve you.”
a few days later and because of a seemingly completely unrelated incident, Jesus so cleanly pulled me out of the Bog of Self-Pity and Emo. it was right after i had semi-publicly fessed up to probably-gossiping about people i really had no business saying anything about unless it was to their faces. and for some reason, Jesus responded to my miniature truth-confession like i had just won the Nobel Peace Prize or just discovered a new way to shape a rainbow.
Jesus: “Wow!! You are so great! To have been honest and fessed up to that! I am SO PROUD of you!”
me: “wha–really?? But it’s like…really not a big deal.”
Jesus: “No, sweetheart, what you did took a lot of courage, a lot of guts. I know. I’ve been studying your heart for eternity, I know it like I know the scars in my hand and back. You are so amazing.”
me: “Amazing? Are you kidding?? I’ve been such a wet blanket lately, a really soggy sog-head.”
Jesus: “I know! Which makes what you did even more awesome! You humbled yourself, took a risk to love and be honest even though you were feeling so insecure and emotional. You’re amazing!”
me: flabbergasted and sputtering “How is it that you’re so proud of me?”
Jesus: LOLing “J—-…don’t you know I’m your biggest fan?”
and then i saw Him: waving pink pompoms, cheering, hollerin at the top of his lungs for me to run and score that touchdown.
and with that, He set me free as the wet blanket from the Bog of Self-Pity and Emo slid off my shoulders and disappeared with the wind…
or something poetic-like like that.
Seriously though–He makes it so easy to stay Faithful to His heart, especially through the Bog of Self-Pity and Emo.
I’m left with no more excuses to be stupid or wallow in Not-My-Best-Moments. PTL Hallelujah.